I wish I was always depressed!

      I wish I was always depressed! Although waves of depression seem pointless and time consuming, although mostly it has no reason whatsoever, no tangible reasons at least, although rarely go through any depression and if I do it is for a very short time and again with no apparent reason; yes everyone has things to grieve about but these waves they come without invitation, without a certain thought or situation to set it into motion.

     However on the rare occasions when these waves actually arrive they leave me a footstep apart from killing myself, they remind me how worthless I am, they put things in perspective;
 " no you're not smart" they'd say, " no no not good looking either", " you won't change the world, you won't be a millionaire, you won't change anyone's life you are a nobody, and you will end before you begin", "you say you don't care about love?, well good for you because you're not going to have any of that either", " oh and yes you'll never be in good shape".

        As cruel as it might seem, there is actually there is actually a benefit, it is this human instinct that push you to prove whoever is putting you sown that you're no what they're telling you you are, even if that person is your own sick mind. even through all this depression my ego does not surrender. It is this ego, and this human instinct that gives me that gigantic strike of power and will; will to change, will to be, will to fight, to bring this battle between you and yourself to an end.

       Depression is not the problem, the problem is when the wave passes, when you convince yourself that every thing is going to be okay, that somehow problems will all sort themselves out, when you drug yourself by the magical " Don't worry, you'll be fine". it is then that the will vanishes, the power sleeps and the problem continues..........
Until another wave finally arrives!

 Thank you wave of depression,
 a bientot.

sniff the books

"You must write every single day of your life…You must lurk in libraries and climb the stacks like ladders to sniff books like perfumes and wear books like hats upon your crazy heads….may you be in love every day for the next 20,000 days. And out of that love, remake a world." Ray Bradbury

Diaries of an ASMUNer

oh God why?
why is this happening
i didn't get enough
i don't feel ready
why is it morning so fast
is it really 8 am
i know i already slept at 5 , but still , these were NOT 3 hours

fine fine stop ringing, i know it's 8:15 i'm up
oh God, now Im late too, better start my routine,so jump from bed run to bathroom, run back to room for i forgot my slippers, stumble at the stupid carpet, wash face, wash teeth, look at the mirror, OH GOD, a ghost !! , oh no this is sleep deprived me. hurry up no time to pity your self
rush to room, grab the jeans that doesn't match your sweatshirt which wont match your veil and they all most probably don't match your white running shoes, RUNNING SHOES? you are a 20, almost 21 year old young lady is it not time for something elegant?, don't you know me AT ALL !!, running shoes are comfy and i love them.
okay now don't forget your laptop, it's charger, your notebook, you flash cards, your marker, the charts ... the million other things on your desk
now run it's 8 45
okay now it's time to find a taxi, that early on a Friday morning !! , good luck with that.
good for you, you ARE lucky , now you're on your way, better revise your presentation, the last thing you want is to screw it up and forget what you've been preparing till 5 am, OH GOD, do i have my flash memory?? open the backpack, grab the pencil case dig in , dig some more, ohhh THANK GOD.
well who am i kidding , i can't revise now, my brain is hardly functioning
i reach the gates, yes miss where are you going?, says the sleepy security guard, with curiosity in his eyes, probably wondering what i'm doing in university on a Friday morning, is that him wondering or you wondering ?!, well no time for wondering it's already 9:20
i walk to the building and start the terrifying journey up the stairs, i reach the third floor, already breathless, i pull my legs up a couple of stairs more and it happens, the spell hits me, i can hear it, Never-land :D, i hear the voiced the yelling, the laughter, i climb some more, fourth floor, i can identify the voices now, and best of all i can feel the energy, the spirit, the magic.
FIFTH FLOOR
i catch my breath at the top of the stairs and look up, i stand a moment to admire the view, a true beehive, full of exhausted, excited bees, working with full energy, mystical energy no one can explain where it came from.
i take a deep breath and hop in, i join the squadron of energetic birds, i meet the team, i greet the delegates, i inform the high-board that i'm here, and i start preparing the room with my lovely coordinator and then just as the clock hist 10, i pause, i pause and look around, and smile for at that moment i know i belong :D

ASMUN, you are the story of my life:)

HBBC [14] "Guilty Pleasures"

meet the amazing HBBC here

note: i like writing from a personal point of view

sit in front of a pool, see that child? yes this tiny one , the one holding so tight to the side of the pool, do you see the lust in her eyes for that ball game in the middle of the pool, do you see the debate inside her head and the adrenalin in her veins
if you do see her, if you do understand her situation you might get closer to understanding my situation.
the pool is my pool of pleasures , the side of the pool is where i am, and the guilt is the debate in the head and the adrenaline in the veins, it is so frustrating and exhausting to over think everything you do, to be too afraid of guilt, too afraid of wrong doing that you end up giving your back to pleasure

I'm not a coward, or at least I don't think I am
but i hate guilt
but the temptation kills me, dares me to let go of the idealistic me, and risk doing the wrong
some times temptations win, other times idealism oppress, and the debate goes on..

the land of magic will welcome me someday

my destiny lies in Africa; the land of miracles, the land of secrets, the source of charm, and the core of the universe
i believe i will end up in the south, it needs me and i need it
my destiny is in Africa
تارك كل شي و راحل عالجنوب
لعندك ماشي, ماشي عالجنوب
تارك احلام الماضي و الكلام
تارك اوهام الضعف اللي بيعمل سلام
و الحقيقة ال ما فيها كلام
وحدها القوة الي بتعمل سلام

كل الطرقات التانية مسكرة
عرفنا الحقيقة لكن وسلطنا مأخرة

Broken mirror

Images in my shattered mirror staring at me from the other side, a million pictures, bits and pieces of my soul all united for the first time , all confused from the presence of so many reflections, or are they just reflecting my confusion
i knew i was crazy, I knew that a long time ago, and heard it a lot too, but seeing all my characters, all my thoughts, my ghosts and my shadows in front of me introduced me to a whole new level of insanity, all the dreams were screaming, all my failures were smiling in mockery and all my frustration was quiet, I didn't want it to be quiet , i hate quiet
yell at me, push me; up or down, doesn't matter just do something , say something , give a hint, send me any sort of signal, but no, the frustration didn't obey me , didn't reflect my scrams it just dove me even more crazy with its silence the only thing it did was move its eyes- or was it my eyes!, let's leave it at THE eyes - back and forth between the screaming dreams and the mocking failures, I'm getting dizzy from the eye movement, oh wait they were MY eyes after all. good to know
i tried to focus on the dreams, after all it's what mirrors should reflect, or was it what sleeping should invent?, doesn't matter I don't dream in my sleep any way, I don't even sleep any more, why do I get distracted so easily ?!, where was I? oh yes the dreams, i couldn't make much out of their screams, where they like "please believe in me" or was it like " I'm drowning" or maybe it was something like " let go of me" i have no idea, why are all my reflections so freakin' useless!
these mocking smiles are really getting on my nerves, they are not making any noise and yet i cannot help but look at them , why are you mocking me? you are mine , you all should be supporting me, but my failure keeps the cold frustrating annoying mocking smiles,why are they so blurry?, they are such a mess even more messy than my zillion shatters of dreams, isn't failure supposed to be clear? like a zombie of a dream that was once alive? isn't it said that the best thing about failure is the lessons we learn? why haven't i learned? or have I ? why don't I remember, why is it so unclear , is my mind playing tricks on me? does that mean my mind is still functioning? because that would be good news. or is it my memory failing me again? or am i just too good at building high walls to prevent me from looking at the painful past, have I wasted all my life in failing and wasted all my failure by not remembering the lessons, oh so that's why , this is the reason behind the mocking smile, well, seems like my failure has an extremely annoying sense of humor.
my eyes wont stop rolling, a zillion images flash in front of me,its like an old 1960s horror movie; where everything is grey and blurry, echo of screams and the screen rolling faster and faster and then
blackness.
It seems like a never ending fall , I keep waiting for the crash, but it never comes, it's just the void , the screams and falling this terrible scary feeling of not knowing where you are or what's going on, when does it all end, or worse, will it ever end??

NORMAL !!

the shocking moment when you realize you're not the special person you thought you were

when it finally hits you " you are NORMAL", maybe even less than normal; you are not talented, not smart, not pretty, not thoughtful and not even as kind or friendly or hardworking as you think.

you suddenly realize the scary fact that you most probably will end up leading a NORMAL life

you will not change the world , you will not gain a Nobel prize, you are just you

this is when reality hits, and gravity takes you down the hard way

and at that time you start remembering your castles in the air and think " oh my God, was i blind or what!"

hopefully, it's just a phase