Saturday, 14 January 2012

HBBC [14] "Guilty Pleasures"

meet the amazing HBBC here

note: i like writing from a personal point of view

sit in front of a pool, see that child? yes this tiny one , the one holding so tight to the side of the pool, do you see the lust in her eyes for that ball game in the middle of the pool, do you see the debate inside her head and the adrenalin in her veins
if you do see her, if you do understand her situation you might get closer to understanding my situation.
the pool is my pool of pleasures , the side of the pool is where i am, and the guilt is the debate in the head and the adrenaline in the veins, it is so frustrating and exhausting to over think everything you do, to be too afraid of guilt, too afraid of wrong doing that you end up giving your back to pleasure

I'm not a coward, or at least I don't think I am
but i hate guilt
but the temptation kills me, dares me to let go of the idealistic me, and risk doing the wrong
some times temptations win, other times idealism oppress, and the debate goes on..

Wednesday, 11 January 2012

the land of magic will welcome me someday

my destiny lies in Africa; the land of miracles, the land of secrets, the source of charm, and the core of the universe
i believe i will end up in the south, it needs me and i need it
my destiny is in Africa
تارك كل شي و راحل عالجنوب
لعندك ماشي, ماشي عالجنوب
تارك احلام الماضي و الكلام
تارك اوهام الضعف اللي بيعمل سلام
و الحقيقة ال ما فيها كلام
وحدها القوة الي بتعمل سلام

كل الطرقات التانية مسكرة
عرفنا الحقيقة لكن وسلطنا مأخرة

Tuesday, 10 January 2012

Broken mirror

Images in my shattered mirror staring at me from the other side, a million pictures, bits and pieces of my soul all united for the first time , all confused from the presence of so many reflections, or are they just reflecting my confusion
i knew i was crazy, I knew that a long time ago, and heard it a lot too, but seeing all my characters, all my thoughts, my ghosts and my shadows in front of me introduced me to a whole new level of insanity, all the dreams were screaming, all my failures were smiling in mockery and all my frustration was quiet, I didn't want it to be quiet , i hate quiet
yell at me, push me; up or down, doesn't matter just do something , say something , give a hint, send me any sort of signal, but no, the frustration didn't obey me , didn't reflect my scrams it just dove me even more crazy with its silence the only thing it did was move its eyes- or was it my eyes!, let's leave it at THE eyes - back and forth between the screaming dreams and the mocking failures, I'm getting dizzy from the eye movement, oh wait they were MY eyes after all. good to know
i tried to focus on the dreams, after all it's what mirrors should reflect, or was it what sleeping should invent?, doesn't matter I don't dream in my sleep any way, I don't even sleep any more, why do I get distracted so easily ?!, where was I? oh yes the dreams, i couldn't make much out of their screams, where they like "please believe in me" or was it like " I'm drowning" or maybe it was something like " let go of me" i have no idea, why are all my reflections so freakin' useless!
these mocking smiles are really getting on my nerves, they are not making any noise and yet i cannot help but look at them , why are you mocking me? you are mine , you all should be supporting me, but my failure keeps the cold frustrating annoying mocking smiles,why are they so blurry?, they are such a mess even more messy than my zillion shatters of dreams, isn't failure supposed to be clear? like a zombie of a dream that was once alive? isn't it said that the best thing about failure is the lessons we learn? why haven't i learned? or have I ? why don't I remember, why is it so unclear , is my mind playing tricks on me? does that mean my mind is still functioning? because that would be good news. or is it my memory failing me again? or am i just too good at building high walls to prevent me from looking at the painful past, have I wasted all my life in failing and wasted all my failure by not remembering the lessons, oh so that's why , this is the reason behind the mocking smile, well, seems like my failure has an extremely annoying sense of humor.
my eyes wont stop rolling, a zillion images flash in front of me,its like an old 1960s horror movie; where everything is grey and blurry, echo of screams and the screen rolling faster and faster and then
It seems like a never ending fall , I keep waiting for the crash, but it never comes, it's just the void , the screams and falling this terrible scary feeling of not knowing where you are or what's going on, when does it all end, or worse, will it ever end??